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☆ Is It OK to Send Condolence Notes to Strangers?
▼ + stars: | 2023-11-22 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

Seemingly picayune details — like my dad’s extra pickles — are extremely effective in evoking the flesh-and-blood person who has died. Finally, send your card by snail mail, not by email or text: The recipients have more control over its receipt that way. Image Credit... Miguel PorlanFriends Who Interpret ‘My Treat!’ as a TrickI had lunch with a group of friends and paid the bill. It’s common in our friend group of recent college grads for the person who pays to send a photo of the receipt to the others, and then everyone Venmos their share. EMMALadies and gentlemen, for the first time in 15 years, a diner who wants to pay more than her fair share!

Persons: Miguel Porlan, “, EMMA Ladies

☆ Why Is My Mother Obsessed With Buying Me a Status Bag?
▼ + stars: | 2023-09-20 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

If she still reverts to pricey swag, recognize her blind spot and take care of yourself: sell the stuff or give it away. I don’t think their intervention helps, but I don’t want to sound like a nagging girlfriend. But if coming off as “nagging” is the worst consequence you can imagine of interfering with your boyfriend’s care during depressive episodes, then you may not know enough about depression. You may be right about the efficacy of his parents’ intervention, but you haven’t said anything about the seriousness of your boyfriend’s illness. When we asked our friend about the “no kids” policy, he suggested that my parents fly down with us.

Persons: pricey swag, Miguel Porlan, haven’t, We’ve, I’m Locations: Tennessee

☆ I Am Dating a Student’s Newly Separated Father. When Do We Spill?
▼ + stars: | 2023-09-13 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

Image Credit... Miguel PorlanA Sister’s Claim on a Family NameMy sister has a 14-month-old son. Do we have to ask for permission from my sister and brother-in-law? SISTERThere are plenty of times when it is easier to apologize than to ask for permission. Diminishing Returns on Colleagues’ KindnessI have a medical condition that results in bouts of severe pain several times a year. I told a few co-workers about it: If my pain prevented me from working, it would affect their work.

Persons: Miguel Porlan, ’

☆ My Wife and I Were Abandoned for the Holidays. Help!
▼ + stars: | 2023-09-06 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +1 min

My mother-in-law has been more and more stressed when my wife and I have visited for Christmas the past few years. So, we called my folks around Dec. 27 last year and asked if we could spend this Christmas with them. We still plan to fly there and spend the holiday with my brother’s family and my grandfather, but we’re hurt. We reached out when we were feeling low, and then my mother changed plans on us at the last minute. So, let’s look at some adult options here: You and your wife can start your own holiday traditions at home, or you can travel.

Persons: We’re, Let’s, “, That’s Locations: California

☆ I Am Estranged From My Toxic Mother. Should I Go on Her Birthday Trip?
▼ + stars: | 2023-07-26 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

But going on your mother’s birthday trip is not about your father. We don’t want to say anything about this to our close friends or even to the other couple. But you don’t want to do that, I assume, because some people find the request cheap or tacky, right? When I do, she dominates the conversation and rarely shows interest in what I have to say. This may sound like a trivial complaint, but I don’t think she’s making an effort to stay in touch.

Persons: Miguel Porlan, didn’t, it’s

☆ My Husband and I Sleep in Separate Bedrooms. Why Is My Mother-in-Law Obsessed?
▼ + stars: | 2023-07-19 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +1 min

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have a 7-year-old daughter. My mother-in-law discovered our separate bedrooms while I was out of town: She was helping to care for our daughter and asking lots of questions, so my daughter told her. I understand it was upsetting to learn that your mother-in-law had grilled your daughter and friend about you. I would discuss this with your husband and propose telling your mother-in-law that you sleep in separate bedrooms — and not a word more. It clears the air about something she sort of knows already, and it’s not uncommon: About 20 percent of married couples sleep in separate rooms.

Persons: she’s

☆ My Friends Excluded Me From Their Awesome Trip. What Should I Do?
▼ + stars: | 2023-07-12 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

My children don’t need any more toys, and it pains me to see a $50 toy ignored when that same $50 could help pay their tuition someday. MOMI applaud your foresight: Planning for the ever-rising costs of college with a tax-advantaged 529 savings plan is a smart move. In your place, I would probably feel comfortable letting family and very close friends know about the accounts. But I don’t think a backyard birthday party for small children is the right venue for soliciting contributions to college savings plans. I remember when expecting friends to look through a stack of vacation photos was considered rude.

Persons: There’s, Miguel Porlan, Ya Organizations: Kids Locations: Naples, Rome

☆ I Had an Affair With Someone My Spouse and I See Socially. Help!
▼ + stars: | 2023-07-05 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

But I urge you to reckon with the deeper issues here: You have broken faith with your spouse. If monogamy does not suit you, tell your spouse. When I asked the human resources director if I could move into one of them, she asked why I needed it. director asked why you needed an office, why did you give her that malarkey about confidential files instead of being straight with her? We appreciate her intent, but how can we let her know the cash was unwanted without embarrassing her, or seeming ungrateful?

Persons: Miguel Porlan

☆ How Do I Ask a Close Friend’s Husband to Be Our Sperm Donor?
▼ + stars: | 2023-06-28 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

It’s a big ask, and I would avoid making it until you’ve considered every angle. Next time, speak to the parent sooner: “Your son is kicking my seat. If the parent is unable or unwilling to control her child, ask the flight attendant to reseat you. The problem: She doesn’t like a lot of it and won’t eat it — particularly food brought by one relative. I think we should tell our relative politely, but my mother thinks that would be rude.

Persons: you’ve, Miguel Porlan, “, ”, haven’t

☆ My Child’s Friend Asked to Be Called a Name Used by Another Gender. Should I Do It?
▼ + stars: | 2023-06-21 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

You are so peripheral to whatever drama is unfolding here that it’s nearly impossible for you to go wrong. And be supportive of the mother as she processes what may be distressing news for her. If she doesn’t, and you feel well placed to intervene, get back in touch. But his remark was about how I look, and he knows I’m well aware of the five to 10 pounds I’ve gained. When parting, we often say, “I love you.” The issue: My daughter-in-law’s mother, who lives nearby, is not the sort of person I like.

Persons: Miguel Porlan, I’ve, —, can’t

☆ My Sister-in-Law Spent All Her Parents’ Money When She Took Them In. Now She Wants More!
▼ + stars: | 2023-06-14 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

Even if your father-in-law were to move to a memory-care facility, your mother-in-law would still need a place to live — which she has, thanks to your sister-in-law. I’m torn: I don’t want guests to be hungry, and I find that “no presents” invitations make some people uncomfortable and come off as snooty. There’s good reason for the rule of thumb about limiting the number of party guests to a young child’s age plus one or two. And I agree that some guests may feel uncomfortable with a “no gift” request. Would it be OK to ask her gently to stock coffee for my visit?

Persons: Miguel Porlan, We’ve, I’m, there’s

☆ What Can I Do About My Daughter’s Father Showing Up Drunk?
▼ + stars: | 2023-06-07 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

Image Credit... Miguel PorlanWhen Cutting a Guest List, Don’t Use a ScalpelMy fiancée and I are planning our wedding. We’ve made an initial guest list of 60 friends and relatives. Our question: Can we eliminate plus ones when we are friends with only half of a couple (whether married or in relationships)? People would get that it’s a very small, personalized guest list — though I bet you would still upset some of the excluded spouses and significant others. But I’d hate for a surgical guest list to outshine your joyful day.

Persons: Miguel Porlan, We’ve Organizations: Al

☆ Do We Have to Pay for Our Children’s ‘Platonic Partners’ on Family Vacations?
▼ + stars: | 2023-05-31 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

Going forward, gather the children and reiterate your commitment to family travel. Depending on the surplus, you can cover some (or all) of the travel costs of partners and chosen family members — or you can throw those costs back to the children involved. It will serve you better to be inclusive than to decide unilaterally which of your children’s relationships matter more. Image Credit... Miguel PorlanIn the Right, but Keeping QuietMy husband’s father left his mother when my husband was 2. I also ride out gifts I don’t care for if they have sentimental value: family heirlooms, for instance.

Persons: Miguel Porlan, didn’t

☆ My Husband’s Children Stopped Talking to Him After They Saw His Will. Help!
▼ + stars: | 2023-05-17 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

If the calls go reasonably well, he can invite them to dinner and start rebuilding his relationships with them. Image Credit... Miguel PorlanToo Cozy for ComfortMy boyfriend and I are going on vacation with his parents and brother. They sent a link to the vacation house, and we see that we will be sharing a bedroom with my boyfriend’s brother that has two queen beds. On the bright side, his parents did you a favor by sending a link to the house in advance. If you can’t make the vacation house work for you, stay home.

☆ I Knew My Father Cheated. Is My Parents’ Divorce My Fault?
▼ + stars: | 2023-05-03 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

I am sorry you have to grapple with your parents’ poor judgment, but you do. Image Credit... Miguel PorlanBetter an Empty Seat Than an Upset SisterMy sister’s partner of six years, 46, doesn’t like spending time with our family. Should we stop inviting him? SISTERWithout question, your sister’s partner is behaving impolitely — both as a no-show and by failing to respond definitively to invitations. Instead, ask her gently what she would prefer: that you keep inviting her partner to family gatherings or that you stop.

☆ Why Is My Boyfriend Pursuing Other Options After Planning a Summer With Me?
▼ + stars: | 2023-04-26 | by ( Philip Galanes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

Explain how his delay in telling you about the NASA gig upended your plans and made you feel bad. Image Credit... Miguel PorlanA Go-Between of Gift-Giving Wants OutFor birthdays for my kids and husband, my mother-in-law asks me what she should buy. She asks me because my husband tells her we don’t need anything, but I know that giving us gifts is important to her. She also sends me wrapping paper and asks me to wrap and hide the gifts in advance. DAUGHTER-IN-LAWHere’s what fascinates me: Two generations of your husband’s family — mother and son — have conned you into doing their work for them.

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